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Trying to turn depression into anger...
Someone once told me it was healthier for the mind & the body.
Not as self-destructive, I suppose. Who knows.

I'm tired of being a f*ckup. (Pardon the language -- as odd as it may seem, I hardly ever swear) I'd like to think of just ONE thing that I've had that I did NOT screw up. Something I can honestly say I did my best at.
---F*cking perfectionism strikes again.--

Well the only way I can change depression into anger is to be pissed at myself. That doesn't really improve things, does it. Oh well.

I get myself stuck in shitty situations. Places I don't like, people that drive me insane... wasting my time so that my options slip through my fingers.

Take high school, for instance. I scored very highly on my SATs & I'm pretty damn smart. But I was incredibly bored with the work, so my grades would never have gotten me into a higher-level, more challenging college. So I'm stuck in the same situation -- bored.

I let others direct my actions, stifling whatever it is I want. I crave spontaneity, while being trapped with the environment I've set myself in. I crave LIFE, while I've surrounded myself with people who are afraid to live it.
I screw up on the things I really love or want.

I'm going to try to treat this Samhain as truly a New Year. I'm going to attempt (yet again) to let go of any regrets, and start with as clean a slate as I can.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
amtiene1
Oct. 27th, 2001 12:51 pm (UTC)
Hey Datura
Blah. You sound just like me. Only you can get yourself out of it. I scored highly on the SAT's also. Yet, I'm in my third year of community college hell. November's coming up, i.e. transfer time, and I have no idea what I want to do with the next couple years, much less for the rest of my life. depression sucks, but I find that a long bath, a glass of wine, and reading old journals help me see how far I have come or haven't come.
I remember being bored with my life, and in a matter of hours or days, some major crises or distraction would come. I'm in a rut where I hate my environment, and yes, the people drive me insane. I was in this mood when I signed up for livejournal. I realize that when I'm bored, I usually being boring. So it's what I make of it. I won't be a victim of my life anymore. It's a fine line between victim and volunteer. No one else is gonna live your (or my) life for you (or me). We don't have to divide Canaan piece by piece. I hope at least some of this helps.
daturafae
Oct. 27th, 2001 01:56 pm (UTC)
Re: Hey Datura
Quite true, the whole victim vs. volunteer. That's what I find so frustrating -- that it comes down to the fact that I got myself into this. I could have done things differently, but I didn't, and I have to live with the consequences. And self-pity isn't going to pull me out of it either. I am acquainted with a few VERY self-pitying people who absolutely drain me with their whining, so I try so hard not to do the same.

Hopefully I can learn to sort out what I want, how I can attain it, and follow through with it.
I hope things work out with you as well.

It does help to hear from someone else who feels this way, thank you.
faeriejewel
Oct. 27th, 2001 04:27 pm (UTC)
~lots o' huggs~
daturafae
Oct. 28th, 2001 10:09 pm (UTC)
thanx
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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