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noctural girl is back

let the insomnia games begin...

Ok, so I only gave the pillow a scant five minutes (if that) to persuade me to sleep, but I just couldn't stay in bed knowing that I was going to be staring at the walls for hours nearly jumping out of my skin to do something else.

Insomnia and I go way back, since I was born, actually. Pretty much anyone who has known me for a significant period of time is well aware of this, but I'm going to type about it anyway because it is the topic of the moment.

On a usual basis, this means not being able to even sit in bed until at least 11pm (at the very earliest); taking a long time to fall asleep (usually around 1am); waking up several times during the night (for some reason I wake at 3:30am pretty consistently) and getting out of bed at least twice; and not being able to sleep soundly past 7am (weekday or not). Not to say that I'm wide-awake at 7am every day... I'm just not sleeping. Sometimes I'm wide-awake and jump right out of bed. Sometimes I can lay in bed after 7am and drift in and out of a light sleep. Often I lay in bed for a bit, get up, then wander around not really doing anything but moving around from sofa to chair for a long time.

Occasionally, though, insomnia must really show what it's made of and keep me out of bed altogether by tossing any hope of a regular night's sleep out the window. These are the nights when 2 or 3 hours is a blessing. I have a feeling that this might be one of those nights.

There are some periods of time (days, weeks, months...) when I swear that I was meant to be nocturnal. During the night I can't sit still and I crave something to do, while during the day seems to drag on endlessly as I walk around half-awake.
Over the last couple of weeks (maybe more, I can't remember) I have been falling back into this routine. My bedtime gets later and later, as I get more and more exhausted while I'm at work. Mid-afternoon is the worst.

I assume that alot of this is anxiety just appearing in another annoying way. Maybe clearing my mind will help me to welcome sleep a little easier. That's one of the reasons I'm typing in here right now. The other reason -- well, it's half-past midnight and there isn't much else to do.

I think that this time around may have something to do with the fact that I don't feel like I've accomplished anything during the daylight hours. I get up, do the same old morning routine, go to work where I stand in the same spot for hours doing absolutely nothing most of the time, come home, make dinner, stew over the fact that I hate my job and ponder over how I screwed up life, do the night-time routine (teeth-brushing, etc.), watch cartoons with Josh, let him go to sleep, read or something and then attempt slumber. My brain is probably screaming, "HELLO -- we haven't accomplished anything yet! You're still stuck in the same situation. You haven't even done anything mentally stimulating in the slightest. Why do we need to rest?!"

Whatever the reason, I am up now, stomach churning, head aching, and desperately hoping that typing all of this out will accomplish something.

Maybe there are job listings that magically appear only during the wee hours. Lol.


I'm glad that my sleeping (or lack of sleeping) habits have not really had any effect on Josh. I was a little worried that I would wake him up every time I wandered in and out of bed. He says that he hasn't really noticed.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
beulahboi
Sep. 29th, 2004 09:27 am (UTC)
aww honey i'm sorry you go through this. Honestly I can relate 110%..I haven't been working lately and usually I sllep the daylight away and am up all night as I have been tonight. When I was working I was just like you halfway throught the day I'd feel like I wanted to pass out , I'd be soooo exhausted all day then as soon as I got home I would be wired. Its really really bad cuz usually there is noone else awake and you either find something stupid to do or your forced to think about EVERYTHING, usually the bad stuff then you get depressed and wish you had someone to talk to. Good grief I feel your pain... {*huggles*}
daturafae
Oct. 1st, 2004 05:50 am (UTC)
Sorry to hear that :(
Ick. That sux. I feel awful for anyone else that has to deal with this stuff.
I couldn't get to bed until 3am last night, and probably didn't fall asleep until and hour later. Blech.
I wish you the best for luck in dealing with your sleep issues, too.
You are so right about being stuck finding something stupid to do or being forced to think about everything because there's nobody else around to talk to.
Again, I hope that your sleeping habits get better, too.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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