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...maybe I should be on meds.

Yes, I did actually type that.
It's what I've rebelled against since I was a small child.
Whenever I've been on them (to keep my parents happy) I've either faked a reaction to them or frequently "forgot" to take them. Or, when I got old enough to choose for myself, I stopped them ‘cold turkey’ and stopped seeing the psychiatrist.

What meds? The ADD meds and anti-depressants.
The docs were just itching to throw me on some anti-anxiety ones, too, but they didn't quite get their chance.

Looking back on it now, however, I see that if I had stayed on them my life may have been completely different:
My grades in high school would have been better. (As I've mentioned in the past, I aced all of the tests and had fantastic SAT scores, but my grades were brought down because I failed to turn in a good chunk of my homework (not because they were too difficult or I was being a punk, but because I was so disorganized and unfocused that I couldn't keep up with getting them completed in time.) So I probably could have gotten a bigger scholarship at the school I wanted to attend -- or gotten into an even better school.
Perhaps if I could have focused better I would have been able to figure out what I wanted to do with my life in time to use college as a means to get someplace.
Or even if all that remained the same, perhaps if I weren't so distracted I would have been able to find a new job sooner, or focus on studying up for another one and be prepared for it.

Anyway, I am notorious for wallowing in my past mistakes and honestly that's not what it's about this time.

What I notice is that things are still not any different.
Well, aside from the fact that I now accept that I do have ADD and that I need to address it or it will forever stand in the way of my future.
I now also accept that I have some big anxiety issues and that they lead to some bad behaviors (avoiding decisions, avoiding people, overeating, not eating, not sleeping...) and that they often cause problems on a daily basis.
I have always known that I have had some nasty depression issues; I just didn't realize how much they affect so many other parts of my life.

Anyway, I still do not want to take meds for the anxiety or the depression. Maybe it's just me being stubborn again... whatever.

I do wonder now, though, if it would be best for me to try Strattera or something for the ADD.
It is pretty bad.
I drift in and out of conversations, even if it is something that I am extremely interested in.
I lose focus while reading, driving, doing anything.

I guess why I'm thinking of this now is because of this grand job search.
It is SO important, but I just can't focus on it for a long enough period of time to actually get anywhere.
And if I want to study up on programming languages or something, how on earth am I going to get that done?

Good lord, am I actually considering the meds?
Well, I can’t afford them right now anyhow. I have no job and no insurance – which, ironically, I am trying to obtain by getting the meds and controlling my ADD.
Lol. That figures, right?

Comments

( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
hilde7085
Jun. 2nd, 2005 12:06 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you feel like this *hugs*
daturafae
Jun. 2nd, 2005 01:56 am (UTC)
thanx for the hugs :)
bansheefay
Jun. 2nd, 2005 04:36 am (UTC)
*hugs* I'm taking anti-anxiety meds....have been for just less then a year. I wish I wasn't. But at a point last summer, I couldn't stand the crippling effect of the anxiety on my mind, body and spirit. Once, they had me on prozac in high school, and it just messed me up more that I couldn't stand it, and quit cold turkey after a while. I didn't care what it did to me, the withdrawl. I just didn't want the side effects anymore. Hence my fear of any psychological drugs or psychologists...

About ADD, a friend of mine, who has ADD, believes that I do too. A few online tests and family and friends who I pointed out what my friend pointed out, tend to agree. My one doctor didn't. She seems to be a full believer that if you didn't show hyperactivity as a kid, then you don't have ADD. I've been meaning to take it up with the other doctor I've been going to more, in the same office. I feel more secure about her opinions then my original doctor. I trust her more, for reasons I won't get into now...long story, but despite my trust in this new doctor....I don't want to be put on more meds. The old doc gave me a place to be tested....but I don't want to be taking more pills, if I am. I have one I take twice a day, and another at night for anxiety, then my birth control for ovarian cysts. That's just regular stuff...the other week I had teeth pulled so add vicodin and penicillin on that list for a while. I felt completely over medicated. Still do, even after the later two are now over. Have you looked into alternative therapies for treatment for ADD? I haven't much....I don't have an official diagnosis, so I don't want to admit it yet. It's a weird cycle, is it not? You admit one thing, and try to change something for the positive, but get a road blocked, just to turn around to get road blocked by the original path.

*hugs* I guess this long winded answer is just my chaotic way that I understand, and I hope it all works out for you soon.
daturafae
Jun. 4th, 2005 02:04 am (UTC)
Thanks for the hugs. :) *hugs for you too*
I had the same issue with prozac. I had a whole big mess with that one...
I won't even get into it. I was on it at two different times. Once in high school, then again one year in college. I hated that most out of all the anti-depressants I was on. I haven't been on any of them in about 5 years.

About the ADD stuff that you mentioned... One thing that you might want to know is the hyperactivity is not really part of ADD. That is ADHD. That's what the 'H' stands for. Seriously, the two are different in a bunch of ways. I did not fit in the ADHD category - hyperactivity was never a factor for me. Just thought I would mention that. It's a detail that seems to have gotten lost as there as been this crazy surge to diagnose every hyper child with it.

Yes, I am going to look into alternative treatment for ADD. I really don't like the idea of meds. Things are a bit hectic right now, but as soon as they settle down I think that I shoudl make this my priority.

Anyway, thanks for sharing so much.
I hope that you get everything sorted out, too.

*hugs*
justfortoday
Jun. 4th, 2005 02:42 am (UTC)
brief clarification: ADHD has been the technical term for attention deficit disorder with or without hyperactivity. I was originally diagnosed with ADHD, however a long time ago it was switched in the DSMIII to an all encompassing ADHD.
(Deleted comment)
justfortoday
Jun. 4th, 2005 02:53 pm (UTC)
yes....probably about ten years ago by now. the H part is what children can "grow out of" (which i did), but the rest sticks with you.
daturafae
Jun. 4th, 2005 03:57 am (UTC)
Ah. I knew you would know.
It just drives me nuts when it is assumed that I must be hyperactive because of the ADD.
So, technically, has the term ADD been scrapped entirely?
justfortoday
Jun. 2nd, 2005 05:27 am (UTC)
isnt this how we bonded 11-12 years ago? because we both discovered we had ADHD, and had never found another female with it? yes, exactly. i'm concerned about you going on particular ADD medications for a few reasons:

a: no one with any sort of anxiety issues should be on stimulants! i learned this the hard way- when i was eight i started getting the early stages of tourettes from ritalin, so i had to be taken off immediately. when i was in college i went on adderall, and felt like i was going to have a heart attack all day. after it would wear off, i'd pass out and or get extremely depressed.
b: i understand the allure of stimulants, because you know they will make you lose weight, which isn't something i'd like to see you adding onto your daily regimine. i think you do a fine enough job with that on your own. when you were on dexedrine when you were seventeen, you were way too thin. i remember.


dear, i hate to tell you this, but seriously, you really do need to do something about your anxiety! talk therapy never helped me any, but medications actually do work. unless they work so well that you can become an addict. thanks doctor. i appreciated that.
daturafae
Jun. 4th, 2005 02:36 am (UTC)
Yep. Welcome back to Plymouth...

True, I should probably steer clear of anything that could trigger more anxiety. I've just been so frustrated by my inability to focus. The more I think about it, though, the more I realize that there is a strong possibility that my anxiety levels may be a huge factor in my increased distractibility and such. Lol. Figures.
I guess I should finally listen to my mom (and everyone else) and seriously address the anxiety stuff because so much has been stemming from that.
I don't think that talk therapy would do anything for me either. I'll have to wait on the meds for now, though.

If you don't mind me asking, which one did you find addictive?
justfortoday
Jun. 4th, 2005 02:40 am (UTC)
i should address the anxiety stuff, too

oh, it was klonopin and ativan. it nearly ruined my life, because my doctor just kept writing out prescriptions, instead of working with my anxiety, or giving me a small amount a month for panic attacks.
moxcord
Jun. 2nd, 2005 09:39 pm (UTC)
I'm of the belief that pills really isn't always the only option. Granted I've never been on any anti-depressants or anything, though I used to cut myself in high school. That ended when a school psychiatrist found out, thought i was suicidal, and told my family. Everything was fine until then, it was under control (no, I'm NOT condoning it), but as soon as they knew I was having some issues they wanted to get me help. And I had no part of it. I never went to a shrink and I never took any pills. And currently I'm a happy person.

I got through all the crap dragging me down and learned to be more positive. It's taken a lot of time and a lot of me being upset.. I hope things work out happily for you..

If you forgotten who I am I went to college with you, we had software development together

*hugs*
daturafae
Jun. 4th, 2005 03:34 am (UTC)
Thanks. I absolutely agree (I have never liked the deal with pills and shrinks... though my parents didn't have an issue with it for me). I've just got a bunch that I need to sort out. It will happen eventually.

Anyway, thanks again. I'm glad to hear that things worked out well without pills. I'm trying to avoid that route.

Oh, and yes I remember you, and that class. That was the class that made me realize that I should have stuck with CS instead of IT cause it definitely pointed out that I forgot it all! Oh well. I didn't realize until very recently that there were others from our year around lj. You're friends with Lacy, right? I hung out with her in MCCTA.

I hope that all is well with you (sounds like it is).
(Anonymous)
Jun. 3rd, 2005 09:12 am (UTC)
Does ADD always need meds? I'm not sure. You can get credit for all your successsful endeavors more than you probably think. Only you can get credit for that.You've gone through hardships and you can be proud of yourself. Take stock of it all, you'll see that, in the end, you are stronger than you think. More confidence will make you reach heights you didn't think you could reach.

Depression doesn't always need meds either but if it does in your case, then, it should always go along with a pychotherapy.

You are a flower about to bloom, Lauren.

Take care,
Pascal.
daturafae
Jun. 4th, 2005 03:55 am (UTC)
Pascal, you always have the best way of saying things!
Your posts always perk me up. Thanks. :)

No, ADD does not always need meds. I'm really going to try to avoid it. It can just get pretty frustrating sometimes.

Thanks again,
Lau :)
sidewindmercy
Jun. 3rd, 2005 11:25 pm (UTC)
Lau, I plan to PM you soon.
daturafae
Jun. 4th, 2005 03:58 am (UTC)
okie :)
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )

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