DaturaFae (DharmaChick, Lauren, Lau...) (daturafae) wrote,
DaturaFae (DharmaChick, Lauren, Lau...)
daturafae

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ignore this mess -- just needed to vent


I swear that living like this is a slow way to drive someone mad
-- by that I mean alone in the same small space with thin walls every single day
friends and family scattered too far away
left to let regret steep within.
There are mistakes from over a decade ago that I still dredge up to poison myself with.

I feel like I am rotting
that I am letting time rush by while I do absolutely nothing.
I am scared that my mind is rotting away due to lack of something constructive to do.
I have been reading and trying to focus on some hobbies,
since I have the freedom to pursue them now (as long as they don't cost a penny),
but I feel guilty when I am not using 100% of my time to find work.

My body is rotting too.
I am an utter pig when I am sullen like this.
I have seen the scale throw numbers at me like a cruel joke.
My clothes feel tight again,
Suffocating, like this damned apt.
And I have little room or motivation to exercise in here.

Outside is a city that I don't know.
Walking around in it does not feel comfortable.
I don't like the air because it feels like I'm still indoors.

I really don't want this to be something that makes me resentful to Josh
after all, he originally left the decision up to me
but I couldn't stand in his way if he knew what he wanted,
because that was a lot more than what I had,
and I couldn't take it if he had any resent for me.
And with all of the pain he has gone through since March I could never deny him anything.

it is just getting more difficult to stay here
I feel guilty not being with my mom when she is going through treatment again
and I need her support, too
she has always been so much stronger than me.
The same with my best friend, who has moved so far away.

This year has been so f***ed up.
It is like I had the rug pulled out from under me.
Things that I was starting to believe were going right have vanished,
Taken away by sudden, terrible changes that I have no control over.

Sorry, I just really needed to finally let all of this out.
I am try so hard to put on a happy face for Josh,
or at least make this look a bit better.
I don't want him to feel guilty, because it is NOT his fault.

And I don't want him to have to take care of me.
I HATE that he had to pay for so much.
If I don't get an income ASAP
he will have to pay for my half of the rent this month.

He wants to buy me tickets to the NiN concert
because he knows how much I want to go
and he really wants me to get out of the apt to do something fun.
I won't let him because I will feel so guilty.

I still may go. Maybe if I borrow the money from him, or charge it.
It will be worth it, I've wanted to go for years.
Whenever I see friends or go out it is like a breath of life and joy.

I am being stupid.
I know that things will revive when I get a good job.
Things will be fine.
It's just the present situation that is kind of stifling.
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