DaturaFae (DharmaChick, Lauren, Lau...) (daturafae) wrote,
DaturaFae (DharmaChick, Lauren, Lau...)

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"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage..." What should I do??

Ok, I've got to get all of this out of my head, or I will not be able to concentrate on all of the work that I have to do.

I've realized the reason why I can't get this work done. It's because it's not what I want to do. It's my Junior year of college, so the courses that I am taking should be stuff that I am actually interested in pursuing, no?

Well there is only one course that I actually enjoy this semester. Just one course that I can actually say "I could do this for a living" type of work. I feel that there is definitely something screwed up about that.

In addition to that, ever since freshman year, the general atmosphere of this school has driven me nuts. A small school atmosphere definitely does not fit my personality and emotional needs. The students at the school are all relatively the same. The school seems to foster a more narrow-minded atmosphere. The majors are limited.


I applied to 6 colleges my senior year of high school. All relatively small schools because it was driven into my head that a small school was what I needed. (I have learned now that at most schools the classes are smaller when they need to be smaller - when they are more specific to your major. I have also learned that at any school you will inevitably come across the "party crowd" so whether a school is considered a party school or not is nearly irrelevant -- it is who you are and what you choose to do...) I let my parents pick my school, because I did not know what I wanted at the time.

I really should have taken a year off before college to figure out what I wanted. I probably would have made a better choice. I have honestly been miserable here from day one. I came in as a Computer Science major cause for some reason I felt that it would be bad to enter "undecided" (I know realize that would have been ok). I really should have entered a school that offered more options. I HAVE ALWAYS FELT TRAPPED.

Last year I changed my major over to Information Technology with a concentration in Multimedia. I have a minor in communications with a concentration in multimedia as well. The one thing I did not realize is that info tech is not something that I enjoy at all. I just like one aspect of it -- graphic and web design. However, that is not the main focus of IT. It is mostly IS and techie crap. I think I liked CS better than that. That's why it takes me forever to complete my work -- I have no interest in it. I have also always, not to brag or sound snobby, felt too smart for this school...

I've looked into transferring since my first semester here. I just got the wrong vibe from the school. No one wanted to help me cause the figured that I hadn't given the school a chance. I waited...

The idea of transferring never left my mind, so would bring it up again and again... I received no support from anyone, because they all assumed that I was transferring "to be closer to Josh". That was never the case, but I nearly convinced myself that it might be true, and I kept dropping the idea. I was set to apply to UMass and do a "create your own major" thing with computers and art and such, which, yes was the same school that Josh was applying to. When we broke up in January, which obviously had a large negative effect on me (not to mention the fact that I was already extremely depressed), I dropped the idea, convincing myself that it was just going on a whim to be near Josh, even though it wasn't.

My housemate, Sarah, transferred here this semester, realized that the school just wasn't for her, and is transferring to WVU next semester. I am so jealous.

Now, I am nearly a Senior, and it is too late to apply anywhere else for next fall. I can't spend too much more money on college, either... But I really am miserable here. I have plenty of friends, and they are all fine and dandy, but I HAVE ALWAYS FELT TRAPPED.

I don't know what to do. I'm sure it will look good to leave here with the degrees I am pursuing, but is it what I really want? And will I always regret never having a larger-school experience? Will I regret not having more options? Will I ever shake this feeling of being so trapped??

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