October 27th, 2001


"I want to take control...I want a perfect body; I want a perfect soul."

Trying to turn depression into anger...
Someone once told me it was healthier for the mind & the body.
Not as self-destructive, I suppose. Who knows.

I'm tired of being a f*ckup. (Pardon the language -- as odd as it may seem, I hardly ever swear) I'd like to think of just ONE thing that I've had that I did NOT screw up. Something I can honestly say I did my best at.
---F*cking perfectionism strikes again.--

Well the only way I can change depression into anger is to be pissed at myself. That doesn't really improve things, does it. Oh well.

I get myself stuck in shitty situations. Places I don't like, people that drive me insane... wasting my time so that my options slip through my fingers.

Take high school, for instance. I scored very highly on my SATs & I'm pretty damn smart. But I was incredibly bored with the work, so my grades would never have gotten me into a higher-level, more challenging college. So I'm stuck in the same situation -- bored.

I let others direct my actions, stifling whatever it is I want. I crave spontaneity, while being trapped with the environment I've set myself in. I crave LIFE, while I've surrounded myself with people who are afraid to live it.
I screw up on the things I really love or want.

I'm going to try to treat this Samhain as truly a New Year. I'm going to attempt (yet again) to let go of any regrets, and start with as clean a slate as I can.
  • Current Music
    Radiohead - Creep