June 1st, 2005


(no subject)

Okay, so an update is overdue.
My apologies to the comment delays and such.

The decision has been made...
well, at least the NY vs MA decision.
Josh got the job in NYC. He starts June 13th.

We moved out of our apt on Saturday, put most of our stuff into storage, and we are now back our respective families' houses.

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Josh is around until his job starts. He will probably be staying with his friend in NY for a couple of weeks because I doubt we will find a place that will let us start our lease in the middle of the month.

So, that means that I will probably be here for a full month. Unless I miraculously find a job in NY sooner than we find an apt, in which case I have no idea where I would be staying anyway.

How do I feel about all of this?
Overwhelmed, mostly.
I am relieved that Josh has a job. Of course I am petrified because I had job leads in Boston, not NY. And I have no idea where we are going to be living.

I have a phone appointment with career services from my college tomorrow afternoon to find out how they might be able to assist with my job search.
The more I think about it, the more I don't want to move to NY. It's just causing so much anxiety for me.
I was so looking forward to being near some of my friends again in eastern MA. I have been so lonely following around Josh. Granted, I am terrible about keeping in touch with friends and making plans to get together and I've been on a bit of an anti-social bent lately. I guess I (hopefully) will use this month to catch up with all of them.
I really didn't want to work in NYC. I do love that city -- to visit -- but it just doesn't seem like the best place for a perpetually anxiety-laden girl.

Oh well. I really didn't want to be the reason that Josh turned down a job that he really wanted.
Who knows, maybe NY will be a great move. And if not, Josh's job allows him to transfer to any other branch after a year.

The words no one ever thought I would say...

...maybe I should be on meds.

Yes, I did actually type that.
It's what I've rebelled against since I was a small child.
Whenever I've been on them (to keep my parents happy) I've either faked a reaction to them or frequently "forgot" to take them. Or, when I got old enough to choose for myself, I stopped them ‘cold turkey’ and stopped seeing the psychiatrist.

What meds? The ADD meds and anti-depressants.
The docs were just itching to throw me on some anti-anxiety ones, too, but they didn't quite get their chance.

Looking back on it now, however, I see that if I had stayed on them my life may have been completely different:Collapse )

Anyway, I am notorious for wallowing in my past mistakes and honestly that's not what it's about this time.

What I notice is that things are still not any different.
Well, aside from the fact that I now accept that I do have ADD and that I need to address it or it will forever stand in the way of my future.
I now also accept that I have some big anxiety issues and that they lead to some bad behaviors (avoiding decisions, avoiding people, overeating, not eating, not sleeping...) and that they often cause problems on a daily basis.
I have always known that I have had some nasty depression issues; I just didn't realize how much they affect so many other parts of my life.

Anyway, I still do not want to take meds for the anxiety or the depression. Maybe it's just me being stubborn again... whatever.

I do wonder now, though, if it would be best for me to try Strattera or something for the ADD.
It is pretty bad.
I drift in and out of conversations, even if it is something that I am extremely interested in.
I lose focus while reading, driving, doing anything.

I guess why I'm thinking of this now is because of this grand job search.
It is SO important, but I just can't focus on it for a long enough period of time to actually get anywhere.
And if I want to study up on programming languages or something, how on earth am I going to get that done?

Good lord, am I actually considering the meds?
Well, I can’t afford them right now anyhow. I have no job and no insurance – which, ironically, I am trying to obtain by getting the meds and controlling my ADD.
Lol. That figures, right?
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