DaturaFae (DharmaChick, Lauren, Lau...) (daturafae) wrote,
DaturaFae (DharmaChick, Lauren, Lau...)

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"don't you mess with a little girl's dreams..."

I despise the fact the I care so much about everything.
I live by my heart much more than my head. I look forward to things like a little child, and when it doesn't work out (which is generally the result) I am absolutely heartbroken. The majority of the time it leads directly to disappointment. :(

I crave spontaneity, especially romantic spontaneity, but not when it always requires me to do the work. I don't mind compromising, I do it quite often. I just like to see it reciprocated when I need a little compromise. Especially when it is something that obviously means a lot to me.

Earlier today I spent a long time doing what is supposed to be a group project. It sux cause no one else in the group really knows how to program. I've had a very stressful few weeks.
I got back here just to find that Josh, once again, cannot visit. I understand the circumstances. It's just that I have forced myself to overcome much larger obstacles in order for me to see him (at his request) for just a few hours; and whenever there is an obstacle for him to see me, he just gives up. I shouldn't try so hard if he doesn't, I should start saying "no" (but I can't, cause I love him). That, and it was just terrible timing with other situations that are unrelated to him.

Make no mistake, I absolutely love him with all my heart, and he does so many wonderful things for me. I am not saying that a he doesn't compromise, doesn't do nice things for me, or isn't romantic. It's just that recently I've had a lot of disappointment with a lot of people as far as things happening and me being required to put in all of the sacrifice for it. I have done many things that don't exactly work out with my schedule, and others refuse to do the same. This is not always the case, it's just recently happening a lot.

-->It's not so much that he is not visiting, it is the fact that he is not even considering compromising to visit me. It's just an outright, no-questions asked, "NO". That hurts, cause I do the opposite: I consider any visit to him possible until I have exhausted every means of doing so. Promises to make up for it don't matter to me (especially if they are forgotten), I don't need it made up to me, he doesn't need to convince me to love him or forgive him. What I need is for him to show that he can give up some convenience as I have done for him (and not promises to do so in the future).
Am I expecting too much, or am I being fair? Hit me with the truth.

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