When you don’t know what to do next, but you can’t stay where you are?
I feel like I’ve been stuck in that rut for ages.
I feel trapped.
Like everything I’ve done has been to keep various other people happy, so I’ve lost my own direction and I wouldn’t even recognize it if I saw it.
I’ve dealt with this in many unhealthy ways. Usually it is internalized and leads to depression and crazy amounts of anxiety. And often it leads to some sort of eating issue. A few months ago I dropped nearly 30 pounds quite rapidly, and I know it wasn’t lost in healthy ways. When I got back from Ny, things improved and stabilized, but it’s starting again.
I need a job in my career (I have a job right now that has no benefits and is certainly not something that I want to do much longer). I feel like I’m a fraud in the field that I earned a degree in, and I don’t know if it’s even something that interests me.
I need to move out. One of my friends wants me to move across the state to live with her. I think that would be fun, and it would be near Josh’s university. But I need a job in that area before I can start keeping up with rent and expenses.
Now Josh is saying that he might not want to go back to his school (he’s taking a semester off right now) because he doesn’t like his major and he can’t get into the one that he wants at that school. We want to move in together. We’ve been together for many years and would finally like to live together.
I’m getting obsessed with the food thing again. I feel like it’s the only thing that I can control. I’ve lost 4 pounds in the past couple of days, and I’m giddy about it, but also scared. I don’t know when to stop because I can’t think of a number that would really keep me happy. I know that I don’t “need” to drop any more weight, but I feel that I should.