DaturaFae (DharmaChick, Lauren, Lau...) (daturafae) wrote,
DaturaFae (DharmaChick, Lauren, Lau...)

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when you gonna make up your mind?

So when, exactly, was it that everyone decided what they wanted to do with their lives and grow up... and why wasn't I notified of this?

I've grown more and more petrified over the fact that I have no f***ing clue about what to do next.

Decision-making has never been my strong point -- ever.
The best example of this is probably when I am attempting to choose a meal at a restaurant.
Without fail, I am consistently the last one to decide.
I look frantically through the menu like the fate of the world depends on my selection: 'What do I really want?'... ...'Will I regret it?'... ...'Someone will order something, better, I bet, and I will have missed out on it.'... ...'Can really afford that? ' ... and ridiculous, but very real, ' What if someone else orders the same thing. I'll look like such a copy-cat...' I am the one who asks the server for a few more minutes, and requests to be the last of the group to order. And my actual order is often something completely different from what I had taken all that time to select.

Mainly, I am referring to my [lack of a] career.
I have a degree in IT and Computer Science because I was the top CS student in high school, I got a scholarship for it because it’s something that I was good at, and it’s what mom & dad wanted me to pursue. I should have never switched from CS to IT, because my school had a crap IT program (at the time – they revamped it the year I finished) and it wasn’t really what I was interested in so I didn’t learn anything extra on my own. My gpa was a million times better as a CS major, too.

I’ve been in wireless phone sales ever since. Mainly because it was convenient to following Josh around until he was done with school.
I hate my job because there is no upward mobility and no intellectual stimulation whatsoever.
I have 6 days left. Then I am unemployed.
I haven’t been without full-time work or full-time study since high school.
And the possibility that I am moving to the NYC area (because of Josh’s potential job) very soon means that I will need income asap.

Since I haven’t had practice programming in years, I feel pretty much incompetent in that area. I would need to brush up on it big time. At this point, I feel like a fraud going into that, even though I was excellent at programming when I studied it.

It seems like all of the job postings require years upon years of experience. Someone please tell me how the hell you get that experience if nobody will hire you until you have it.

I really wish that I could start college again from square one, with a different major. What major? I have no f***ing clue.
I have mulled over thoughts of pursuing everything from astrophysics to multimedia design (which I should already be qualified for) to sound engineering to environmental science. I really wish that I were still in school. I love learning and eventually, after I finally settle on a career path and have spent a decent number of years working in it, I would really like to teach at the college level. But I haven’t even started on that path.

It seems like everyone I know has found their calling either in career or as a mother or whatever. Or at least they have a firm grasp on knowing what they want.
I feel like I am getting old way too fast and I’m light-years behind where I should be.

...I am still looking at the damn menu.

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