DaturaFae (DharmaChick, Lauren, Lau...) (daturafae) wrote,
DaturaFae (DharmaChick, Lauren, Lau...)

  • Mood:

The words no one ever thought I would say...

...maybe I should be on meds.

Yes, I did actually type that.
It's what I've rebelled against since I was a small child.
Whenever I've been on them (to keep my parents happy) I've either faked a reaction to them or frequently "forgot" to take them. Or, when I got old enough to choose for myself, I stopped them ‘cold turkey’ and stopped seeing the psychiatrist.

What meds? The ADD meds and anti-depressants.
The docs were just itching to throw me on some anti-anxiety ones, too, but they didn't quite get their chance.

Looking back on it now, however, I see that if I had stayed on them my life may have been completely different:
My grades in high school would have been better. (As I've mentioned in the past, I aced all of the tests and had fantastic SAT scores, but my grades were brought down because I failed to turn in a good chunk of my homework (not because they were too difficult or I was being a punk, but because I was so disorganized and unfocused that I couldn't keep up with getting them completed in time.) So I probably could have gotten a bigger scholarship at the school I wanted to attend -- or gotten into an even better school.
Perhaps if I could have focused better I would have been able to figure out what I wanted to do with my life in time to use college as a means to get someplace.
Or even if all that remained the same, perhaps if I weren't so distracted I would have been able to find a new job sooner, or focus on studying up for another one and be prepared for it.

Anyway, I am notorious for wallowing in my past mistakes and honestly that's not what it's about this time.

What I notice is that things are still not any different.
Well, aside from the fact that I now accept that I do have ADD and that I need to address it or it will forever stand in the way of my future.
I now also accept that I have some big anxiety issues and that they lead to some bad behaviors (avoiding decisions, avoiding people, overeating, not eating, not sleeping...) and that they often cause problems on a daily basis.
I have always known that I have had some nasty depression issues; I just didn't realize how much they affect so many other parts of my life.

Anyway, I still do not want to take meds for the anxiety or the depression. Maybe it's just me being stubborn again... whatever.

I do wonder now, though, if it would be best for me to try Strattera or something for the ADD.
It is pretty bad.
I drift in and out of conversations, even if it is something that I am extremely interested in.
I lose focus while reading, driving, doing anything.

I guess why I'm thinking of this now is because of this grand job search.
It is SO important, but I just can't focus on it for a long enough period of time to actually get anywhere.
And if I want to study up on programming languages or something, how on earth am I going to get that done?

Good lord, am I actually considering the meds?
Well, I can’t afford them right now anyhow. I have no job and no insurance – which, ironically, I am trying to obtain by getting the meds and controlling my ADD.
Lol. That figures, right?

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.