DaturaFae (DharmaChick, Lauren, Lau...) (daturafae) wrote,
DaturaFae (DharmaChick, Lauren, Lau...)

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The words no one ever thought I would say...

...maybe I should be on meds.

Yes, I did actually type that.
It's what I've rebelled against since I was a small child.
Whenever I've been on them (to keep my parents happy) I've either faked a reaction to them or frequently "forgot" to take them. Or, when I got old enough to choose for myself, I stopped them ‘cold turkey’ and stopped seeing the psychiatrist.

What meds? The ADD meds and anti-depressants.
The docs were just itching to throw me on some anti-anxiety ones, too, but they didn't quite get their chance.

Looking back on it now, however, I see that if I had stayed on them my life may have been completely different:
My grades in high school would have been better. (As I've mentioned in the past, I aced all of the tests and had fantastic SAT scores, but my grades were brought down because I failed to turn in a good chunk of my homework (not because they were too difficult or I was being a punk, but because I was so disorganized and unfocused that I couldn't keep up with getting them completed in time.) So I probably could have gotten a bigger scholarship at the school I wanted to attend -- or gotten into an even better school.
Perhaps if I could have focused better I would have been able to figure out what I wanted to do with my life in time to use college as a means to get someplace.
Or even if all that remained the same, perhaps if I weren't so distracted I would have been able to find a new job sooner, or focus on studying up for another one and be prepared for it.

Anyway, I am notorious for wallowing in my past mistakes and honestly that's not what it's about this time.

What I notice is that things are still not any different.
Well, aside from the fact that I now accept that I do have ADD and that I need to address it or it will forever stand in the way of my future.
I now also accept that I have some big anxiety issues and that they lead to some bad behaviors (avoiding decisions, avoiding people, overeating, not eating, not sleeping...) and that they often cause problems on a daily basis.
I have always known that I have had some nasty depression issues; I just didn't realize how much they affect so many other parts of my life.

Anyway, I still do not want to take meds for the anxiety or the depression. Maybe it's just me being stubborn again... whatever.

I do wonder now, though, if it would be best for me to try Strattera or something for the ADD.
It is pretty bad.
I drift in and out of conversations, even if it is something that I am extremely interested in.
I lose focus while reading, driving, doing anything.

I guess why I'm thinking of this now is because of this grand job search.
It is SO important, but I just can't focus on it for a long enough period of time to actually get anywhere.
And if I want to study up on programming languages or something, how on earth am I going to get that done?

Good lord, am I actually considering the meds?
Well, I can’t afford them right now anyhow. I have no job and no insurance – which, ironically, I am trying to obtain by getting the meds and controlling my ADD.
Lol. That figures, right?

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